It had been almost a week since I showed up on Rain’s doorstep, hoping he could help me wrestle with the decision I had to make. When he first opened the door, a rush of guilt washed over me. The last time I’d seen him, things weren’t exactly amiable. But he welcomed me in nonetheless.

On that particular night, I had sat curled up on the couch, as I told him about everything that had taken place, with the exception of my drunken tryst with Mason on his living room floor. We’d talked until the wee hours of the morning, and unlike Mason, Rain listened. He also offered open arms. Something I felt I really needed right now.

Tonight, on one of his rare evenings off, he’d invited me by for grilled shrimp kabobs, a glass of wine and good conversation. After eating, we sat out back where a slight breeze was blowing. The night air, though beginning to warm, still had a chilled edge. Noticing my discomfort, Rain had gone inside to get me a blanket.

When he returned, I stood and walked over to the hammock. “Let’s lay here and look up at the stars,” I said.

“Since when did you become a stargazer?” he asked, chuckling.

“I’m not as nature averse as you might think,” I said, stilling the hammock so that I could lie down.

Rain tossed the blanket across my legs and expertly climbed in beside me, laughter rumbling in his throat.

“What’s so funny?”

“Remember the first time we tried this?”

I laughed, trying not to flip us out of our precarious arrangement. “It took us how long to stay on this damn thing?”

“At least two hours,” he said.

“Boy, those were the days,” I said, snuggling against his body.

“Yeah, they were.” He wrapped an arm around my waist and held me close as the hammock swayed gently. “I miss those days,” he said, as sort of an afterthought.

“Sometimes I think I’m afraid of being happy,” I whispered. “I mean, what if I give everything to something and then it backfires?”

“Are you talking about us or Terry?”

“Both.”

“Well, you can’t know if you don’t try, now can you?”

I grunted. “I’ve tried with you before and look where it got us. The writing’s on the wall. I just cannot do relationships.”

“For all the confidence you show to everybody, I know the hurt little girl that lives inside of here,” he said, touching a finger to my chest. “The only thing you have to realize is that you don’t have to front with me, Yanni. You can be who you are.”

“You say that until one of the dangerous jobs come up, and then things change. Isn’t that what happened before?”

Rain sighed, nestling his face in my hair. “How I felt—how I feel—about you never changed.”

“Well, why did it end?”

“Because you pushed me away. And don’t say you didn’t . . . I saw it in your eyes. Every time you’ve taken on a contract that could blow up, you’ve pushed me away.”

It was my turn to sigh. Rain was right. And instead of telling him how much I cared and didn’t want to subject him to the pain of me never coming home, I became tight-lipped, just as I was now.

It wasn’t until recently, with the whole Terry fiasco, that it hit me how I always played the role of tough cookie. How saying ‘I love you’ was the most difficult thing I could ever do. Whether I could attribute that to my mother, too, I wasn’t sure. What I did know was that all my life I’d lost because of it.

“You’re quiet,” Rain said.

“Just thinking.”

“About?”

“Just things. You. Terry. What kind of mother I’d make.”

“I think you’d make a great mother.”

“You really think so, or are you trying to get your way with me?”

“Both,” Rain said, laughing.

I angled my face toward his, and without saying a word, he brought his face to mine and kissed me gently. When he finally released me, I breathed in deeply, fixing my gaze on the star-lit sky. “I was thinking about inviting Terry to Red’s celebration barbeque. What do you think?”

“I’m thinking that might be the best idea I heard all day. So, does that mean you’re going to hear her out?”

I nodded. “If I’m going to do things differently than Dorothy did with me, it’s got to start somewhere. Where better than to introduce her to the family?”

“Umm, this barbeque . . . am I invited, too?”

“You know Red wouldn’t dream of not inviting you.”

“I know Red would want me there . . . I’m talking about you.”