Since Alex and I agreed that I needed to see a doctor, I’d been trying to be more attentive to Alexander, but it was a painful process. Try as I might, my heart just wasn’t in it.

 

 

Thankfully, I still had Red and Jean stopping in at least once a day for an hour or two. It didn’t take much to figure out that Alex had something to do with their shortened visits, especially since Red usually walked out the door moaning and groaning about how he wished he could stay for dinner.

 

 

As I braced myself on the edge of the sofa, I thought of a million-and-one excuses I could offer as to why I didn’t need a doctor to feel better. But what was the use? If I wanted Alex to give me a break, I’d at least have to show some effort on my part.

 

 

“You ready?” Alex asked, as he came bounding down the stairs and swooped up Alexander in his carrier.

 

 

“I guess,” I managed to eek out, not bothering to get up. Today was my first session with Dr. Maxwell and, the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that I couldn’t go through with it.

 

 

“Well, you better get a move on,” Alex said, as if he hadn’t heard my reluctance. “We’ve still got to drop AJ off at your mother’s.”

 

 

Panic gripped me. “You didn’t tell her where we were going, did you?”

 

 

“No, I didn’t. I actually told her I needed to sweep you off your feet for a few hours, and she said it would be her pleasure.”

 

 

“Oh, OK.” I took a deep breath and tried to regain my composure. While I was relieved about not having my mother to hover over my shoulder and remind me of my inadequacies, I was petrified of what the therapist might say.

 

 

“Can you get the diaper bag?” Alex asked, before turning to the baby. I watched in disinterested fashion as he tickled Alexander’s chin. Alexander gurgled out his excitement. “I hope you put enough milk in the bag, because I got a feeling he’s about ready to put another bottle down.”

 

 

I fixed my gaze on the far wall, not wanting him to see me rolling my eyes, and said, “I pumped earlier this morning and before feeding him, so I think there should be enough.” I nodded at the tiny form inside the carrier. “I’m still trying to figure out where it all goes.”

 

 

Alex laughed in agreement. “He does have a healthy appetite. Just like his daddy,” he said, starting for the door.

 

 

I remained seated, rapidly tossing around reasons in my head for why we didn’t have to go. My eyes began to water as I imagined everything that could go wrong.

 

 

“Umm, Star, you can’t leave the house from that position.”

 

 

I looked at him through tear-filled eyes. “Alex, I’m scared,” I said, with quivering lips.

 

 

“Baby, there’s nothing to be scared of. I told you, I’ll be with you every step of the way. But we can’t do this without your cooperation.” He smiled at me from across the room. “Besides, as stubborn as you are, we’ll have this worked out in no time. So you down?”

 

 

I nodded, stood and picked up the baby’s bag and my purse. Then I followed Alex to the truck. An hour after dropping off the baby and dealing with my mother, we were seated in Dr. Maxwell’s office.

 

 

“Starlet and Alex, it’s a pleasure to meet you both,” Dr. Maxwell said, shaking both our hands and taking a seat across from us. “To help ease the tension, why don’t I start by telling you a little about myself and my methods of practice? When I’m done, maybe you’ll be willing to share a little about yourselves and what brought you here.”

 

 

I nodded, but neither Alex nor I said anything after Dr. Maxwell had finished making his introductions. Finally, in a tone filled with warmth, the doctor spoke: “Remember, there’s no push to talk. When you’re ready, we’ll proceed. Should you feel like you don’t wish to speak the entire session that’s also fine.”

 

 

“But isn’t that what therapy’s about?” I asked. “On TV, the therapist always gets the patient to do all the talking.”

 

 

Dr. Maxwell chuckled. “If only it were that easy.”

 

 

Alex and I laughed. His words had helped to put me somewhat at ease.

 

 

“Well, since we are paying for this, I guess I’d better say something,” I said.

 

 

Dr. Maxwell simply nodded and flipped open a notepad.

 

 

I looked to Alex for a stroke of confidence. He gathered my hand in his and smiled. I then turned to the doctor and began my confession: “Dr. Maxwell, I love my baby . . . but I don’t want to be around him.”

 

 

“I see,” Dr. Maxwell said, not seeming to notice I’d gone straight for the jugular. "Well, that’s not too uncommon for new mothers.”

 

 

“I didn’t think so either.”

 

 

“But?”

 

 

“What do you mean ‘but?’”

 

 

“Well, you sounded like you wanted to say something else.”

 

 

“I guess I did.” I breathed deeply, this time avoiding Alex’s gaze. “Things are really worse than they seem.”

 

 

“What do you mean by worse?” Dr. Maxwell asked.

 

 

“I mean, I get sick at the thought of doing anything for him. It’s like he’s not even my child, but some stranger living in our house. That’s how detached I feel from him.” I swallowed hard, feeling as if I’d said too much too soon.

 

 

“Why do you think you might be feeling this way?”

 

 

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I want to get better—for Alex and for the baby.”

 

 

“What about for yourself?” Dr. Maxwell asked, his pen poised over the pad.

 

 

“Yes, I want to do it for me, too. I’m not used to feeling this way. It’s like I’m evil.”

 

 

Alex’s grip tightened on my hand.

 

 

“Have you done anything that might jeopardize the baby?” the doctor asked.

 

 

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I keep friends over to make sure I don’t. If Alex hadn’t caught on to it, they’d still be helping me.”

 

 

I knew my tone sounded accusatory, but Alex needed to understand that I could have worked things out in time. Dr. Maxwell seemed okay, but I didn’t see how a stranger was going to help us in this situation.

 

 

Instead of blazing into me like I thought he might do, Dr. Maxwell directed his attention to Alex. “And how does this make you feel, knowing that Starlet was hiding her feelings from you?”

 

 

Alex squirmed next to me. “I thought this was about Starlet.”

 

 

Dr. Maxwell smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, as he twirled the pen between his fingers. “Oh, it is. You see, how you feel and what you express figures into how quickly Starlet is able to return to what she considers normal functioning.”

 

 

Alex sighed, his eyes penetrating mine. “I don’t want to say anything that might hurt her.”

 

 

“Perhaps, by not saying anything you might hurt her. You think?” the doctor asked.

 

 

“I don’t get it,” Alex said. “If I say something that hurts her, she might shut down—then we’re back at square one.”

 

 

“Well, Starlet’s right here, why don’t we let her be the judge of that.” The doctor gave me a pointed look.

 

 

“Go ahead,” I said, coaxing Alex. “After what I just said, you definitely can’t do any worse.”

 

 

Alex faced me fully before speaking: “Hearing you talk about AJ the way you did made me angry. But more than feeling anger, I think I’m mad at myself because I didn’t see it coming until it was too late.”

 

 

At this one moment, I felt horrible for Alex. After all he had been through, he didn’t deserve this. I should have never opened my mouth. I looked to the doctor, but he was jotting something onto his pad.

 

 

Finally, he looked up. “So, tell me, how do you think we can help you to feel better about the baby?”

 

 

I shrugged, stood and began to pace the office. “Well, we can’t send the baby back,” I said, hoping to break the ice. From the look on Alex’s face, he didn’t find it too funny. “I just want to get back to feeling like I matter to somebody. I want my old life back.”

 

 

“Tell me, what parts of your old life do you miss the most?” Dr. Maxwell asked.

 

 

I smiled as I thought about the carefree days Alex and I had spent together in anticipation of the baby. “Well, I’d like to have some uninterrupted time with Alex, if you know what I mean. While I’m at it, a foot massage wouldn’t be bad either. Since the baby, it seems we don’t get to spend any time together, just the two of us.”

 

 

“So, your biggest thing is that you don’t feel like you and Alex spend enough time together?”

 

 

“It’s not just that. It’s like all our conversations revolve around the baby. Alex and I will sit down to have a grown-up conversation and there goes AJ, wailing his head off.”

 

 

“Sounds like you have a real baby living under your roof,” the doctor admitted.

 

 

“Yeah, and since he’s been around, I don’t have any time for myself—so I decided to take all the time I needed.”

 

 

“By that you mean?”

 

 

“I decided to let other people worry about the baby. I feed him, of course, but other than that, he’s not my problem.”

 

 

“Do you always want to feel that way?” the doctor asked.

 

 

“Yeah, do you?” Alex repeated.

 

 

I spun around and looked at him. What I saw ripped out my heart. He was sitting there looking like a broken man.

 

 

I rushed to him sobbing and kneeled at his feet. “I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean it. I want to get better. Will you help me? Please, say you’ll help me.”

 

 

Alex responded by pulling me up into his arms and holding me so tightly, I thought I would burst.