"And another thing, Mason. If I hear just one cuss word from you while you're on my property, your beige behind will be escorted from the premises. Respect my house! Am I understood?"

Starlet was in full control-freak mode, laying down the law by telling me what I wasn't gonna do to ruin Red's special day. And all I could do was shake my head, suck wind and take it as Alex cracked up in the background. "You tell 'em, baby," he said, co-signing with the diatribe.

"This ain't funny," I said as I slithered out of Starlet's sight, joining Alex by the grill. It was my own fault, though, for wandering out to the patio and smacking into her. It sucked, but anything was better than going back inside and watching Yanni play footsie with Drain, or going back to the house and watching my "uncle" play boyfriend to my mother. This day couldn't get any worse. Or so I hoped.

The sun was brilliant, as if the gods were shining down on Red and his girl, making sure everything was perfect for their engagement party. I'd gotten there early, hoping to do some best man-type things but, of course, Starlet being who she was, would have none of that. "It's all under control," is what she'd said to everything I asked about.

Down below, the backyard was hooked up, though. She'd thought of everything, from red party favors in honor of the groom, to napkins with images of the smiling couple. I almost got my head chopped off when I commented on the ice sculpture that sat near the head table, asking why it was necessary. "Shut up and sit down!" was Starlet's response. I swear, Red better be glad he's my boy.

The food spread was ridiculous. There was meat stacked up damn near to the heavens over by the grill, like they were expecting to feed an army. Shit, I wasn't complaining. Those big girls, I tell ya. They know how to feed a brotha. Even the baby must've thought so, as he laid there in his stroller cooing after his feeding. I usually couldn't stand the little boogers but, dammit, I had to laugh to myself. He was smiling just like I do right after I suck on some titties. Boy after my own heart. 

"Get those tablecloths laid down, Mason! People are starting to arrive," Starlet bellowed through the kitchen window.  

"You can't fuckin' tell me what to do," I muttered, unfolding the tablecloth.

"What was that?" she yelled, undoubtedly using her supersonic, control-freak hearing.

"What was what?" I shot back innocently, looking around to make sure she wasn't anywhere around.

"That's what I thought," Starlet said, pots clanging. "Alex, can you come here, baby? Someone's ringing the doorbell."

"Coming!" Alex dropped what he was doing and ran inside. When I saw the coast was clear, I headed over to where the baby was resting, and copped a squat next to him. Babies had always made me nervous, with all the gurgling and crying for no damn reason. They just weren't my thing. Even the way they kept themselves busy was ridiculous. This little dude was lying there, clearly fascinated with his own fingers like he'd just discovered them. It was insane to watch.

The sound of footsteps broke his trance and mine, as Alex led Sheldon out to the backyard. Great, I thought. Frick and Frack had arrived. I didn't even acknowledge their presence, instead staring at the robin sitting atop the fence a few feet away.

"I'm glad you could make it, man," I heard Alex say as he reached into a cooler to hand Sheldon a beer. "I was hoping we could chat again, so I could properly thank you for all you've done for my family."

"Please, being invited to this event and having the opportunity to see everybody at one time is thanks enough," Sheldon responded, sounding like a broke-ass Ving Rhames. He looked down at me. "Ain't that right, Jackson?" 

"What the fuck ever, man," I said under my breath.

"What was that?" Starlet yelled through the window. Damn, how did she hear that?

"Nothing!" I responded, standing up.

"What's up, Mase? Where you going?" Alex asked, flipping the turkey burgers.

"Inside," I said, looking in Sheldon's direction, "to get away from the hot air."

I went inside to find my mother sitting at the kitchen table, chatting with Starlet about baby stuff. "And so they hurt like crazy right after I'm done feeding him," Starlet said without breaking stride as she balanced two trays of food. 

"Wait, what did I just walk in on?" I said, raising both hands in mock surrender.

"Your mother was asking me about breastfeeding," Starlet said matter-of-factly.

I did a double take. "Why in the world would you want to know about that?" I huffed. "It's not like you're pregnant." Starlet chuckled, while checking the oven. I stood there with a confused look on my face.

"Hush, Jackson," my mother snapped, her face flushed. "Make yourself useful and go get that box sitting on the couch in the living room, and take it outside to the gift table."

"And hurry up. Red and Jean should be here any minute," Starlet chimed in. 

"Gladly," I said, wanting no parts of that conversation. Things were just getting weirder and weirder. I headed down the hallway toward the living room, the bathroom door swinging open and barely missing me as I passed by.

I spun around. "What the— What are you doing here?"

"Same as you, Mase. I was invited," Freckles said, exiting the bathroom, smiling from ear-to-ear. "Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Happy to see you?" I repeated with a scowl on my face.

Just then, Yanni walked toward us, with Sierra Mist following closely behind like a puppy dog. "Oh, I see you two have met," she said, a nervous smile plastered across her face. "Mason, meet Terry. My daughter."

"Your what?" I said, feeling myself get dizzy.

Day. Worse. Fuck.